I’ve been thinking a lot about what constitutes the truth as of late. I know, deep, right?
One of my favorite things that I did this year was see The Book of Mormon at the Kennedy Center. Jon and I went for our ten year anniversary, and it was everything I could have hoped for, and more. But, I don’t want to ruin it for you if you haven’t seen it, so if you want to see the show with virgin eyes, then by all means, skip the next section.
So, in BOM, the premise is there are these two fresh-faced Mormon missionaries who have been sent to Uganda to convert the people living there. One of them, Elder Cunningham, is a bit…inept (he also, to my delight, was originally played by Josh Gad in the original broadway recording, meaning I get to hear him every time I listen to the soundtrack, which is frequently). Anyway, we also learn that Elder Cunningham has trouble telling the truth. In fact, one of the ways he converts the Ugandans to Mormonism is by…expanding…on the text (like suggesting to them that having sex with a frog will cure their AIDS).
But in one of my favorite musical numbers from the show, this happens:
ELDER CUNNINGHAM: I just told a lie…wait, no, I didn’t lie…I just used my imagination. And it worked!
Cunningham’s dad appears in Cunningham’s imagination.
HIS DAD: You’re making things up again, Arnold!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Yeah, but it worked, dad!
HIS DAD: You’re stretching the truth again, and you know it!
Joseph Smith appears on another side of the stage.
JOSEPH SMITH: Don’t be a fibbing Fran, Arnold!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Joseph Smith?
JOSEPH SMITH AND DAD: Because a lie is a lie.
It’s okay to read again. No more direct spoilers;)
So how does this relate to me? Well, while I certainly haven’t been lying (I don’t even discuss the subject of Santa Claus with my own kids), I admit to omitting a few things.
So here’s what I haven’t been telling you:
-One of the people I love most in the world has cancer. It’s been devastating to me.
-My husband had to unexpectedly travel for work, which rocked my world pretty hard.
-I’ve been dealing with a lot of my friends’ problems, and it’s been wearying for me. Divorce, death, drama…you name it. I have heard it this year.
-I haven’t been well. Right now, as I’m typing, I’m struggling through a horrible cold. Just awful. But it’s not only been that.
Y’see, last week I had to have a D and C.
Now see, this is where omitting information gets dicey, doesn’t it? If I told you I had a D and C without any other information, you’d probably assume that I had a miscarriage. You might even send me food.
Mmm, food. That would be awesome.
But the thing is, I didn’t have a D and C because of a miscarriage. I had a D and C because ever since I had my youngest, over 2 and a half years ago, things have been wonky in my lady parts.
I learned in September that I had a polyp growing in there, and so my OB recommended the procedure. While I was in for my consult, I decided to do something else: get an ablation.
Basically, what an ablation does is it burns off your endometrium. There’s a chance I could never get my period again. However, the flip side to this? I can’t have any more kids.
And honestly, I’m done.
For awhile, I wanted another baby SO BADLY. Peanut was such a good baby. He was perfect and sweet and adorable. Thankfully, he turned two and now I’m pretty sure he needs someone to perform an exorcism on him, but that’s a post for another day. But. There are things going on that I can’t ignore. I have a vasovagal condition where when I stand up the blood pools in my legs and makes me dizzy. I have to really watch my blood sugar, and another round of pregnancy might make me a full blown diabetic. Plus I’m tired, and stressed out, and trying to be a good mom to the kids that I already have. And I don’t always succeed in that.
But now I can’t have another baby, because while your odds of pregnancy are decreased once you have an ablation, if you do get pregnant it can be life-threatening to you and the baby. So there will be none of that.
And the thing is…while I am only 33, and therefore chronologically young enough to have more kids…spiritually, I am done. I’m tired. I don’t have it in me to have another baby.
For my birthday, I went to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, and it became crystal clear to me, upon seeing all the parents there with their miserable children, how having another baby was not for me. My oldest is five now, and the youngest two and a half. In a few years we will be able to do so many things together, as a family, that we will all enjoy, and having another little one would complicate that.
Now, if someone wants to give me a three year old? I could probably take that on:)
It’s weird to have the baby-having part of my life done. I was initially sad about it, but on the flip side, there are so many new and wonderful things coming down the pipeline and I am grateful for every day that I get to watch my kids grow. My five year old is five. He’s a big kid now. But he’s so sweet and smart and funny, and I love watching him learn and grow. My middle boy is almost four, and he is a joy to be around all the time. My two year old will soon be three, which gives me hope that the incessant temper tantrums will calm soon and he will be the sweet and sassy boy that I see in between tantrums (the Twos are strong with that one).
So what does this have to do with truth telling?
Yes, we’ve come back to that. As I’ve gone through this I’ve struggled with the omission of truths, so I figured now was as good a time as any to come clean. I don’t enjoy withholding information, but this year it’s been a survival tactic to get through some of this. I think I’m asking for a reprieve, for you to understand why I’ve fallen behind on so many things–which is completely unlike me.
Also, I really want you to see Book of Mormon. Please do, so we can discuss.
XOXO A